I am sick and tired of writing the same words.

I seem to be the living incarnation of one step forward two steps back. laadeedaa where the hell do we go from here....

Right now I would be very happy to be the happy idiot. Oh the joy of leading an unexamined, blissfully bare life. I think I would like that very much indeed. Fuck self analysis and awareness all that ever got me was dug into a cramped little hole. It might be my wonderfully addictive personality but of course it cannot just be a poignant thought or considering the consequences of something...it has to be a full tear the house down, cavity search style invasion. Nothing can ever be simple god forbid! thats bloody bleasphamy....i really shouldnt be using words I cannot spell but that would drastically reduce my vocabulary. Its like when you stare at somethin too close for too long..your eyes start to hurt, it gives you a headache more importantly you arent actually seeing anything but a blurred mess which could be a subparticle of some whole that you will never see just because you are too fuckin close. Step back you idiot! god its hard to teach a fool. haha...

This is all getting very confusing and silly. I feel like the really fat girl who wants to be a pagent queen. And she tells people and they all have that look, ..u know the look. The like fuckin hell u'll be a beauty queen. The polite ones dont laugh out loud..well they wait till she leaves first and she walks on....insisting on being oblivious to the irony, crying about the other skinny girls who she will never look like, screaming about horrible standards and unachievable goals and then starves and screams more trying to fit into the gown . Now maybe that wasnt a good analogy because this has nothing to do with fat and even less to do with beauty pagents..but the general idea is there. The point is why do something you dont love. More importantly why do something you have no inclination towards. I seem to be misappropriating this whole ambition.Anybody can rant mildly amusing bullshit but that doesnt equate to an ability or affinity for writing. So I need to be content with being average and find somthing to do within the limits of that scope or pick a new goddamn ambition. When I grow up I want to be....

maybe I'll be an acrobat. Now I'll just have to work on touching my toes...wait..do acrobats even need to touch their toes?....answers.com is not being helpful on that one. boo!

first off...Nicole, you do not laugh in real life so stop typing fake laughter online. I have told you this many times already. and estacy...hahahah one word nicole...BULLSHIT!

and now on to the non- Nicoles....ah well Im trying to be good. I am trying to have a good week. I dont have all the excuses that I once relied on so this is kind of unnavigated territory. Its weird...but I spent so long trying to get away and be normal. And now that im somewhere in the vacinity thought I concede that I will never quite accomplish normal, It might have to do with the great deal of awesomeness that surrounds me but anyways.. where was I.. ah Normal. Yes so now Im at a place where Im not in continual pursuit of being a complete blithering idiot with every breath. Im not doing stupid things and being a general pain in my own ass. I am not trying to actively destroy every possible permutation of the future. I am not hating getting out of bed in the mornings. heck..I am actually getting out of bed in the morning. Well some mornings But all the same yay! for me...

Its just that little bit more that just will not come to me. perhaps its about discipline and will both of which with a regualrly functioning head I should be able to come up with. But I dont really think ive ever been remotely disciplined...or strong willed. And therein the problem lies. Im not being a lazy fuck but ..ugh...

Well I wrote a bit. just put down ideas in a notebook, yes a new one cause you always need a new note book. There isnt too much noise.. there are actual words, well more like a general idea.. which is seemign to huge to ever actually come together, but that isnt something for me to worry about is it. Just fill up the pages and the rest will work itself out somehow.. I think.

i've gone and jinxed it...

..........That pretty much says it all really.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/dylan-snow/19586/in/set-600/

I love that tattoo so much...Its actually what inspired me to want to get the lines from blake tattooed on me. Now all that stands between me and a lifetime with those four beautiful lines on my arm is money.

secrets and lies.

So I made notes today about that little book that Im never going to write. I mean seriously, I opened the book and my head was screaming who the fuck are you trying to kid..you're not actually ever going to write it. But I did scribble a page. Thats a start. Its more then I did yesterday.

Can you cure yourself of idealism? Thats been the question of the week. Im one of those foolishly silly people who believes in the power of an idea. And that silliness continues......I think Im supposed to write because it going to help somebody. Just like the way his honesty and his ideas helped me, kept me alive. Whether I could actually be that honest... I dont know. This blog is actually kind of an experiment with honesty. I have a written journal which by an large keeps me sane..and this. . its everything that Im comfortable with someone else knowing. Whats in between.. and how Im supposed to write it without damaging myself, I have absolutely no idea.

I never thought myself to be a good writer, I dont have a particualy way with language or an affinity for prose. Heck I can barely spell but, all this has worked (in my head at least) under the assumption that the one thing I could do was to be honest. About those moments when we'd rather not be or when we're completely isolated... Evidenly not I guess at least not when it involves me. But then again that is the point of writing isnt it.. You get to reveal your deepest darkest secrets, my most horrible thoughts and pass them off as creation..fiction. Something distinct from the person you are everyday. Neither fear nor consequence.

But Im still afraid of everything that these bloody words tell and everything behind them.

Youth Without Youth.

So that was an interesting movie. It ended and I walked out of the theatre not entirely sure if I completely understood it. I suppose if it makes you think about it long after you've seen it then they must have done something right.
I think it was uite nicely shot, weird angles and georgous backdrops, I wish I appreciated that more. But I guess I am by nature drawn to word and themes more then visuals. So I think perhaps its about the transience of time and our own existances. About how we straddle this lifeline thats rooted in the past and the future, what we make of it I suppose depends on our own choices and reaction to the situation. Do we form an emotional connection to all that history that each of us carries with us, whether consciously or not. Or do we live in a future that sometimes our imaginations can bring to be. I wish I understood physics better and the extent to which science can explain time and reality, but I had trouble with the right hand rule so needless to say my knowledge of physics is rightly pathetic.

Or maybe it was just about a guy mind fucking his way through life. He said he could wake up from it if he really tried, that really stuck with me I guess. I mean can't we all. If we really wanted to. Stop lying to ourselves. I for one must stop lying that I am trying. Because I am not and, if I really wanted to I could. Or so I'd like to believe.

Mind fucking........