I seem to be the living incarnation of one step forward two steps back. laadeedaa where the hell do we go from here....

Right now I would be very happy to be the happy idiot. Oh the joy of leading an unexamined, blissfully bare life. I think I would like that very much indeed. Fuck self analysis and awareness all that ever got me was dug into a cramped little hole. It might be my wonderfully addictive personality but of course it cannot just be a poignant thought or considering the consequences of something...it has to be a full tear the house down, cavity search style invasion. Nothing can ever be simple god forbid! thats bloody bleasphamy....i really shouldnt be using words I cannot spell but that would drastically reduce my vocabulary. Its like when you stare at somethin too close for too long..your eyes start to hurt, it gives you a headache more importantly you arent actually seeing anything but a blurred mess which could be a subparticle of some whole that you will never see just because you are too fuckin close. Step back you idiot! god its hard to teach a fool. haha...

This is all getting very confusing and silly. I feel like the really fat girl who wants to be a pagent queen. And she tells people and they all have that look, ..u know the look. The like fuckin hell u'll be a beauty queen. The polite ones dont laugh out loud..well they wait till she leaves first and she walks on....insisting on being oblivious to the irony, crying about the other skinny girls who she will never look like, screaming about horrible standards and unachievable goals and then starves and screams more trying to fit into the gown . Now maybe that wasnt a good analogy because this has nothing to do with fat and even less to do with beauty pagents..but the general idea is there. The point is why do something you dont love. More importantly why do something you have no inclination towards. I seem to be misappropriating this whole ambition.Anybody can rant mildly amusing bullshit but that doesnt equate to an ability or affinity for writing. So I need to be content with being average and find somthing to do within the limits of that scope or pick a new goddamn ambition. When I grow up I want to be....

maybe I'll be an acrobat. Now I'll just have to work on touching my toes...wait..do acrobats even need to touch their toes?....answers.com is not being helpful on that one. boo!